rocky the romantic? who would’ve thunk it?
easy jetsetter’s comment on my last post made me realize that i’ve never written about my parents relationship. i guess it is something really sacred to me, which is why i feel that i may trivialize it by blogging about it.
i am not sure where my anti-marriage ideas stem from…i don’t know how or when i decided that marriage was a stupid idea and couldn’t possibly work. as i grow older though, i realize that my views are always either too idealistic or too cynical. i always thought that IF i married, it would have to be with someone i thought i could live with forever (anything less was stupid). yet, i also knew that i (probably) could never spend ‘forever’ with someone.
i’ve decided that i need to let go of my extreme ideas…and take chances. i think it was a conversation with my dad that helped change my mind. my mom was out of town for a day and he called me the evening that i was supposed to pick her up to make sure i would get his wife to him, safe and sound. and then he said that his friends had invited him over to their place but he declined saying that he was depressed because wifey was out of town. he said, “everything seems horrible without her, even YOU guys”. i laughed and told him that she’d only gone for ONE night, get over it.
he never realized it, in fact, i don’t know whether either of them realize how much i admire their love. i appreciate the fact that we have NEVER seen them fight in front of us…i have never heard either of them say anything bad about each other (unless you count the funny remarks regarding each others weight or choices in films or opposite sex). everytime i come home, they’re lying together on the bed, hugging, and watching TV. when she’s standing around in the kitchen, he comes up and hugs her from behind or pinches her ass! he doesn’t let her shut the bathroom door, because he feels that it puts too much distance between them! he doesn’t go anywhere (except to work), even when it is just to run an errand, without her. they hold hands. they still get each other flowers and cards.
and they still shag!!
oops! too much information?
anyway, apparently my dad was as commitment phobic as i am and really had no intention of marrying…on his wedding night, he quite honestly confessed to my mom that he was pretty sure he had made a mistake and that he would be divorcing her after three to six months, since that was the longest he could envision staying with someone. thirty years down the line, he realizes that he was kinda off with that estimate!
so while the world around me convinces me that all relationships are doomed from the start, that marriage is the begining of the end, coming home to my parents fills me with some sort of hope and the secret desire to find something close to what they have, even if it is just for a short while.
after thirty years i hope i’m still an ass pinching shagger. we’ve made it 7, so we are well on our way, or so i hope.
Comment by tim — June 22, 2005 @ 3:41 pm
my folks are kinda like that too, and it’s definitely something to admire. i know that i often come across and an advocate for the anti-marriage set, but in reality i’m only that way because i see so many people i’m close to make wrong decisions where marriage is concerned just because of some underlying fear of having to go it alone for a prolonged period of time. to put it in a less convoluted way- i just don’t believe in divorce. i’m not so sure about ‘forever’ either at this point in my life, but it upsets me that so many people treat marriage as just ’something to do’, as though it’s graduating from college or getting a job.
yeah. i’m done.
Comment by fleecey — June 22, 2005 @ 5:44 pm
hehe. you have the makings of a very adorable, even if seemingly relunctant, true lover. i mean, pshaw! it’s in your blood!
im almost certain other people exist just so we can keep our own hopes and dreams alive.
Comment by lizzi — June 23, 2005 @ 4:19 am
Fleecy’s right, it’s BECAUSE my parents have been together for 36 years that I am a hideous commitment phobe.
I know that if I fall in love with someone enough to want to marry him/her (keeping my options open), that could be it, forever, because that’s what marriage is, staying together. There are only two reasons to divorce: unfaithfulness and abuse.
Too many people focus on, as you say, the social value of “being married” and on the wedding, not the marriage.
Anyway, this is a beautiful piece. Thanks.
Comment by EasyJetsetter — June 23, 2005 @ 7:29 am
wow fleecey, you definitely hit the nail on the head!! i always wondered how i could be commitment phobic and anti-marriage if i witnessed such an awesome relationship everyday…
anyway, i didn’t really believe in divorce as an option for me either, but lately, i’ve decided that perhaps it is just better to take the plunge. the WORST that could happen is a divorce, and the best could be ‘forever’.
i wouldn’t ever get married because i’m getting too old, don’t want to end up alone or the so-called pressure, but perhaps just wanting to try it out/take a chance, because it feels right, isn’t such a bad reason (even while you doubt that it will be forever)?
Comment by rocky — June 23, 2005 @ 11:58 am
Hey rocky, i really really want to show this post of urs to my parents and tell them ‘learn a thing or two’. it’s high time. oxymoronically speaking, my antagonism towards marraige and yet viewing it as a serious thing stem from the same source i.e. my parents marriage. They never realized how their tiffs affect their children and the enviroment of the house. i tell them that now i know what i EXactly dont WANT a marriage to be like.i.e. the kinda thing where people are not living together out of choice and are merely rehearsing a script.
Comment by medussa — June 23, 2005 @ 12:08 pm
medussa, while i know that many couples stay together for their kids and consider it the ultimate sacrifice, i really think it is the worst decision…
i have a friend who finally filed for divorce after 18 years of a marriage that neither were terribly satisfied with…her kids seem much better off seeing their parents happier but separate than suffering together.
Comment by rocky — June 23, 2005 @ 1:00 pm
I don’t know that you can worry about the potential for divorce down the road, unless you’re already having problems now. Focusing on the negative, feeding that energy, seems like sprinting down the road to self-fulfilling prophecy to me. We got married young, and met younger. We grew up together, and while that has provided a closeness and a history that cannot be topped, marriage is not as easy as one might hope. It’s a choice, staying married. Loving is a choice, too. So you make it or you don’t. I’ve known people who have divorced after a year, and some after 30. Neither expected to divorce.
As for choosing the right forever person, I think if you can find someone who delights you at 80% of the time, s/he’s a keeper. You can’t do much better than that. Waiting for better to come ’round the corner, assuming there always is better, will just leave a person tired and jaded, methinks.
Comment by Kristie — June 23, 2005 @ 3:11 pm
My parents stayed together “for the kids sake” and I sometimes wish they hadn’t.
Comment by Jon — June 23, 2005 @ 6:34 pm
My parents split up when I was 2 and I split from my ex when my kids were 2 and 6 months. Sometimes the nastiest decision you have to make is just to acknowledge that things are over and there isn’t any way to get back, it was a 9 year old relationship. Had I stayed with my ex and tried to get through I would have been a shell of a man and the example that set to my kids was that life is worthless and their father had no genuine integrity.
There is no redeeming reason for staying together for the children it benefits neither them in the long run nor the parents. Ultimately tho’ one must remember that it can often be for quite understandable but selfish reasons. Had I stayed with my ex, the real reason would have been the fear of seeing my children far less, as it is I had to sacrifice the quantity of time for a quality of time that might be better for them and thereby me.
As for marriage, or long-term relationships in general the key is to be able to talk, because in 30 years time if you can’t do that you won’t be able to do any of the other! Many people make the mistake of thinking that when the honeymoon period is over that somehow the magic is gone and it’s all over.
Now Rocky, about that tart in your neighbourhood….!!
Comment by Red Baron — June 23, 2005 @ 7:49 pm
Ditto, Jon
Comment by ali — June 24, 2005 @ 2:13 am
Ditto Jon and Ali.
Comment by silver tassles — June 24, 2005 @ 10:09 pm
mmm.. touching… despite (and perhaps, because of) de shagging bit
seriously… we tend to ignore de effect of our parent’s love lives on our own beliefs in love… for good or for bad? ummm… de jury’s out on dat one, though de rock star’s not!
Comment by rahul — June 27, 2005 @ 9:09 am