retail therapy, queens, homophobia
i am not sure what sort of a hole in my soul i’m trying to fill. it’s not even one that i consciously feel. just a sort of emptiness, which in all honesty, i have gotten used to. no matter what happens in my life, i often go through phases of just feeling slightly dead, slightly disgusted by everything, and to make things worse, i then do things i would otherwise bitch about or despise (like shopping too much or being a brand whore or partying or drinking). all that is supposed to make the dullness, boredom and emptiness go away but it doesn’t.
i know someone who shags too much to fill her hole (the one in her SOUL, you gutter minded cows!). i sat with her the other day and tried explaining to her that her promiscuity was the reason why she didn’t have any real friends (because men can’t look at her as anything but an easy lay and women feel threatened by her willingness to put out within two hours and her massive boobs!). i told her she wouldn’t find true love this way. i told her that it wont make her problems go away. i told her that she needs to deal with her emptiness, her issues. i told her a lot of crap and then i went out and shopped and filled the hole in MY soul.
i wonder how we can be so judgmental, yet feel so pious.
i sometimes make myself sick.
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i went down to one of my favorite clubs on last week - its been renovated and renamed - i like it because although the people behind it are the most pretentious, snobbish lot in this city, the club is extremely basic. i LOVE the way it looks (i’ll take a few pictures the next time i go - this time, i had had one too many vodka redbulls to be much good with a camera!).
anyway, i had the BEST time - i sat around and just watched the queens - dressed in super tight jeans, tucked into their mid calf length white boots with big white or gold studded belts, dancing to ‘billie jean’. i watched them get mad because my male friends were talking to me (and not to them), i watched them shake that booty to ‘don’t stop till you get enough’ and grind, much to the chagrin of some of the homophobic men out there. i laughed as an ex said that he would have shagged one of the queens (who was HOT!) if only he had boobs and i replied that that had never stopped him before!
the only thing was that it all seemed slightly depressing, slightly desperate. i felt bad that the straight lot (including me) just sat around and watched with fascination and bemusement as men grinded and got it on. i can not imagine what a pain in the ass it must be to be judged solely on your sexual preferences and to be alienated because of them.
i get sickened by arguments against homosexuality, i get pissed off when it is referred to as an aberration or an illness. i feel sorry for the gays going mad in clubs because it appears that they’ve been let out of a cage…all week they are stuck in heterosexual environments, possibly forced to ogle at women because they don’t want to let on who they really are, given the homophobia, and finally, on a drunken thursday night, they can be themselves. and even then, people stare (and admittedly, i was one of them on this occasion).
they do their nails, their eyebrows, cleanse, tone and moisturize…they wear mascara and liner and lip gloss…and we figure that this can’t be right, no matter how much we advocate freedom of choice.
the next day, we were over at a friend’s place, talking about our night out, and most of the guys made horrified sounds (OH NO!!! REALLY? THANK GOD I DIDN’T GO!).
why are straight men so scared of gays? i understand you don’t fancy taking it up the arse and no one is really asking you to, you know. but if that’s how someone likes it, what the fuck is YOUR problem (i know there is a lot more to homosexuality than just the sex, but that bit is usually what makes most straight men extremely uncomfortable)?
if i could, if i had the power, i would eradicate hypocrisy and our tendency to judge. it is beginning to piss me off more than anything on earth.
but i wont (in all likelihood) ever have a such a power…besides, if i were to have it, i would need to first start with the most difficult place: myself.
may be i’ll just continue to shop instead.
p.s: since we are, or at least i am, talking of shopping - i have to share that i am terribly excited about getting the horny maids outfit (fishnet stockings, garters, super sexy bra, etc) from agent provocateur. i haven’t felt so excited about a purchase since i got the godfather dvd set! the boyfriend will become a slave for life after this outfit is unleashed on him (mwaahahahaha)!!
I wonder too, about homophobia. Does it seem that hatred/fear of gay men is much more than gay women? I just had a thought about this: men are typically more (sexually) agressive, and women are traditionally protected from this agression by society or family structures. Men are less protected and expected to defend themselves. Perhaps men are afraid of gay men the way some women are afraid of men: the potential to be on the receiving end of sexual violence. My father is pretty homophobic, and I know he had a nasty encounter with an older man’s aggressive advances when he was a teenager.
That’s my guess-du-jour.
Comment by Kris — July 11, 2005 @ 4:17 pm
I think I know what you mean re:straight men getting disgusted by gay men. I have gay friends, and I surely don’t get disgusted by gay people. But it does happen, witha guy- the instinctive reaction to something explicitly gay (like say 2 men getting it off dancing in front of you) is to be repulsed…..
Comment by vAgue — July 11, 2005 @ 5:10 pm
It’s not my gay male friends who frighten me, it’s the three or four girls in my circle of friends who are lesbians that keep me on my toes. I wouldn’t mess with those ladies, I’ve seen them in action (no, not like that).
Comment by actualfactual — July 11, 2005 @ 11:11 pm
Funny you should say that, vAgue…for me, the instinctive reaction to a man and a woman making out or getting it off in front of me is ALSO to be repulsed.
;)
Comment by Sin — July 12, 2005 @ 5:32 am
Chill Sin.
vAgue, instinctive reactions are developed. They can be controlled, even changed with a change in attitude. Look at it as two people getting it on. Don’t judge on the basis of gender, color, age, or species. It’s all good.
El Rocko, See! I might be gettin old but I’m not predictable.
Comment by ali — July 12, 2005 @ 8:42 am
The difficulty for many men is that old fashioned ignorance again. There is also the question of jealousy. Whilst it is wrong to overgeneralise, as a rule gay men can often get on much better with women because the whole sexual tension is not there. This can make a straight man feel uncomfortable as he isn’t able to get along so well. Stereotypically gay men are seen as stylish, good dancers, charismatic and this is a threat to your average geezer.
I’ve never had a gay man proposition me but to be honest if one did I think I’d be pretty chuffed, anyone comes on to you it’s a little bit of a confidence booster and to appeal to someone who isn’t even your sexual orientation got to be a bit cool really.
The biggest problem of all tho’ is the lack of understanding of human biology and the belief that your gay man chooses to be so. Which is funny because I’ll bet no straight man ever remembers choosing to be straight.
And Rocky dahling will you stop going on about well-stacked promiscuous ladies without at least sending them over here, it’s more than a man can take you know. You never know they might take a look at me and be cured, and if not, well don’t say I didn’t try, I’ll just have to face the consequences of my actions with good grace!!!
Comment by Red Baron — July 12, 2005 @ 1:46 pm
baron, daaaahling, i’ll try and visit your part of the world with my well-stacked, generous-with-her-favors friend (she actually happens to be from there!) and let you have a go.
see the lenghts i go to for people i love?!
Comment by rocky — July 12, 2005 @ 3:11 pm
My half bald younger brother got hit on by a pretty one in west hollywood. But then again that place is teeming with them so the odds are very good. I am still looking for my queen charming. One incident in a thrift shop doesn’t count because he wasn’t good-looking, stylish, rich enough.
I too don’t think it is a choice. Unless the person is looking for a life of pain. There is too much ignorance, and hatred around for such a life style to rationally choose it. And I know they are not going to flip but I am still trying to convert a couple of lipsticks.
Rockisimo, I am not gonna ask for it. Getting predictable ….. my ass.
Comment by ali — July 12, 2005 @ 6:03 pm
i admit that my instinctive reaction to the gay quandry was of ‘distaste’. But that got immeditely re-conditoned into acceptibility. And i really dont have the right to judge anyone jut on the basis of their orientation. heterosexual relationships are so messy anyways, so the heterosexuals really dont have the right to judge or evaluate or even validate the homosexual love/attraction. My gay boss was the only man i was comfortable working with.
“if only he had boobs and i replied that that had never stopped him before!”…good one rocky~
Comment by medussa — July 13, 2005 @ 8:58 am
Now see that’s why I love you so much, you were always the generous one! I can’t wait now for your visit, get to see my sibling and potentially be on a promise with her travelling companion it doesn’t get much better!
Comment by Red Baron — July 13, 2005 @ 2:37 pm
ok, so this one is going to be a loooooong comment, rockstar, so bear with me.
last week, there was a gay party at bombay, and i decided to have a miniature ‘coming out’ party, and took along ALL my close strt frnds here - three gals and a guy. They were amused, shocked, supportive and quite thrilled (in no particular order) at de whole night! my frnd and i got on top of de podium and danced together, and i think some of de queens were a bit pissed at seeing a guy and a gal doing it together! lol..
but… having those guys over did make me look at de whole party anew. yes, we gay guys DO tend to go happy n free in a gay party - but i think how ‘free’ u go depends on what kind of a person u are. i dont think that ALL gay guys go all promiscuous and grindy every party - some guys do, and some guys don’t: some guys prefer to just chat, network, dance with pals, dance alone, have a drink, survey de crowd, etc. i think u get my point. come over bombay sometime, and i’ll show u how we vbombay boys do things!
Comment by closetalk — July 13, 2005 @ 4:03 pm
closetalk, my condolances on the miniature “coming out”. But worry not. Not everyone can be average.
Comment by ali — July 16, 2005 @ 5:53 am
well, actually ali I never said or meant that I judge them. Like I said, I might be (and am) perfectly ok with two guys being a gay couple, but not like it watching them explicitly together. Judging them is quite another thing altogether. All this is, is a statement about me, not them.
Fair enough, that instinct can be honed/altered with time, but I think it is a bit much to realistically expect to *ignore* gender
Comment by vAgue — July 20, 2005 @ 5:44 am