my favorite queen guest posts!
(for the prologue, click here)
So, yeah. Apparently what I wrote hit home. Several times. I’d make a baseball analogy here, but then the little pink mafia would take away my rhinestone-encrusted tiara, and as we all know, a queen without a tiara is just a bitchy straight man. And that would be very bad.
I’m not advocating a ban on relationships, period. Nor am I encouraging people to stay single and content with their platonic friendships, because lets be honest here…no one’s actually really content with the idea of being single forever. There may certainly be acceptance of the possibility, as I’ve found in my own case, but sticking with the case study of Sin, I know that I’d happily prefer to die having been in a meaningful relationship with someone rather than without. But really…does it have to be an all-or-nothing game?
This is not game theory in Advanced Economics 101 people. It’s really much simpler than everyone thinks, and perhaps I can say that smugly from on top of my high horse (how high? It took a step-ladder to get up there!) because I’m not currently going through the ennui, but who says that you have to choose between friends and lovers? And more importantly, why can’t friends be lovers (and vice versa)? I’ve never believed that you can love someone without first being friends with them, and that view is one of the few in my life that hasn’t undergone a radical metamorphosis in the last decade or so.
Conversely though, it’s not necessary that a friend become a significant other. I think the biggest problem that gay men face in their lives is that even though we never want to admit it, we’re all secretly scuttled by the “Newer! Bigger! Better! Shinier!” plague. Who and what we have is perfect while it’s present, but we never seem to stop prowling and being on the lookout for something more, something that we’re convinced is lacking in our current straits, even though it may not be. And part of that, I’m convinced at the risk of generalising indiscriminately and carelessly, is because our own self-esteems are riddled with more holes than a particularly large hunk of Swiss cheese. I can count the number of gay men I know who had healthy, self-affirming childhoods on one hand, and I think that there are certain emotional and intellectual scars that never fade, no matter how much they may scab over. Scar tissue is still ugly, even though it may cover gaping wounds. Most of us remain convinced that there’s something wrong with us, something terribly, drastically, horribly unheimlich, and that no matter how good our lives become, we’ll always be the outcasts, the children who were different, the people who didn’t make sense or seem quite right. And convinced of our own fallibility, we project a combination of ideals and our own insecurities onto those people whom we adore, maybe subconsciously, but mostly with a sense of guilt that comes from deep inside, those dark corners of our minds and souls that we don’t like to acknowledge. Friends, lovers, family…we hope that they’re not perfect, because we’re certainly not. We hold them up to impossible standards that we don’t want to admit are impossible, or at best highly improbable, and in some ways they turn out to be dark mirrors of who we are. All of our failings, our dirty little habits, imperfections, secrets and lies, we pre-emptively start to accuse the other people in our lives of them because it’s easier to denigrate shortcomings when people other than ourselves display them.
This is turning into one of those “I’ve not slept for three days and am roaringly drunk during my college days, so come on, we’ll have an intellectual conversation at two a.m.” passages, isn’t it?
But I think it’s true. I don’t think any of us like to think of it that way, but come on…isn’t there always that tiny part of you screaming “It’s never going to work out!” each time someone new (especially in the romantic context) enters your life? Sure, it’s easier with friends: the demands and obligations, not to mention expectations aren’t quite as intense or as omnipresent as they are with boy/girlfriends, but who hasn’t had a knock-down, drag-out, hair-pulling fight with the people they’re closest to at least once? And the forgiveness is always a bit easier, because the whole thing humanises friendships, turning them into comfortable zones where you know that the other person will never have the ability to walk away from you unless you do something truly unforgivable. Because hey! They’re not infallible and ergo, can’t expect you to be either!
There are, of course, the lucky few who do manage to live happily ever after. But we all hate them, don’t we? Or at least we envy their ability to wade through the maelstrom and come out standing, in one piece and largely undamaged.
But mostly, we (and by “we”, I mean “I”) hate them. In a loving, tender way, of course.
(courtesy of the sexiest, smartest, wittiest blogger on earth)
It’s such posts from the “other side of the fence” so to speak that really go such a long way to reconcile the differences between gay and straight people. Relationships are beset with so many pitfalls, I did wonder whether it was better to be gay since surely another man will understand a man better than a woman and likewise for lesbians. But of course there are so many little variables across the genders and the sexualities that it’s never so simple.
I just want someone who is happy to laze around and chat until it really is far too late, someone who can go into a shop and come out with what it was they intended to buy and within 30 minutes. Someone who likes beer, cricket (preferably in tandem) and the other, I would just prefer it if said person had breasts!
Comment by Red Baron — July 19, 2005 @ 1:48 pm
as always, that was an absolutely brilliant post, darling. thanks a lot for choosing to send it in to me.
I think the biggest problem that gay men face in their lives is that even though we never want to admit it, we’re all secretly scuttled by the “Newer! Bigger! Better! Shinier!” plague.
that is sooooo (painfully) true for me - its definitely not a ‘gay men’ thing. i am trying my best to grow out of it and adopt a more mature approach but its so goddamn difficult. as has been explained and analysed by thousands of others before, women think like that thanks to growing up with stories and images of perfect men (in fairytales, movies, trashy romance novels) and we consequently spend the rest of our lives chasing that fantasy and dumping each imperfect (real) man for someone who appears to be better but in reality, isn’t.
such an awful, sucky cycle…
and baron, i’m glad all men aren’t like you - going around demanding breasts! i’d never get any, in that case
!!
Comment by rocky — July 19, 2005 @ 2:12 pm
well, hmmmm… true, i guess. mebbe dat explains why a gay couple often boy-watches together.. selfish subconcious?
sigh. or just sad?
;-)
Comment by closetalk — July 19, 2005 @ 2:26 pm
I was going to comment that this bit…”I think the biggest problem that gay men face in their lives is that even though we never want to admit it, we’re all secretly scuttled by the “Newer! Bigger! Better! Shinier!” plague”…is a guy thing, gay or straight, but Rocky beat me to it, and she’s right. I also think that when opportunities for dates come easily to you, it’s easy to think a better one is coming around the corner. When you don’t date much, you tend to appreciate more. At least that’s been true for me.
Comment by Kristie — July 19, 2005 @ 3:25 pm
Everybody shops for something new and shinier. It’s human nature.
But a mature creature doesn’t try to buy; s/he stays where their commitments are.
I think you nailed WHY people keep shopping when you said, “All of our failings, our dirty little habits, imperfections, secrets and lies, we pre-emptively start to accuse the other people in our lives of them because it’s easier to denigrate shortcomings when people other than ourselves display them.”
Comment by Mush — July 19, 2005 @ 7:48 pm
I didn’t say how big they had to be darling, just that they had to exist! Don’t put yourself down, after all it’s only fair, if you had everything no other women would get a look in!
Comment by Red Baron — July 19, 2005 @ 8:33 pm
Baron, I fit your criteria to the T. One or both of us should be afraid.
There might be some truth to the observation that we attack imperfections in others when we are just as flawed; Even have the same shortcomings. Sometimes one might not even be aware of projecting some self loathing unto others and introspection might bring about a eureka moment. I am certainly guilty of this. The self-analysis can help one come to terms with ones issues and enable one to remedy them. At the same time I don’t really think one must always look inward to excuse shortcomings in oneself. This self immolation is just as much of a flaw. Blame others, Blame Canada. Be happy with your crappy selves.
Me and ONE are going out to dinner.
Oh, and One reminds me to not forget ones manners, so Great post SIN.
Comment by ali — July 20, 2005 @ 2:57 am
ref: “Newer! Bigger! Better! Shinier!”
There is a difference between window shopping and active purchase. This is quite possibly true of retail activity as well as relationships.
Comment by drac — July 20, 2005 @ 8:23 am
I’m merely going to point out that in the categries on Rocky’s sidebar “love” is directly above “madness”…..
Comment by actualfactual — July 20, 2005 @ 3:52 pm
Hell ali for a beer and cricket fest I’m up for annything now.
Get you’re coat geezer you’ve scored!
Comment by Red Baron — July 20, 2005 @ 4:53 pm
finally the baron gets to use his favorite pick up line!!!
Comment by rocky — July 21, 2005 @ 10:50 am
I know Hurrah! I never thought it would be on a fella tho’, I was so surprised I’m blaming that for the glaring grammatical error!
Comment by Red Baron — July 21, 2005 @ 4:00 pm
Baron, I hope you like your beer chilled.
Comment by ali — July 22, 2005 @ 12:38 am
Re: pickup line…it must be my influence
Ali, if beer is not chilled, it is the tool of the devil.
Comment by Sin — July 22, 2005 @ 9:09 pm
I know it is room temp. and not warm beer that the pubs should be serving but the standard room seems to be on the equator in some pubs here. Warm beer drinks worse than piss. Atleast, the american superchilled beer goes down easy although you can hardly tell much taste.
Comment by ali — July 23, 2005 @ 6:46 am
Baron, I reckon lines like that don’t help much with the girlies?
Comment by ali — July 23, 2005 @ 6:58 am
It depends on the beer ali mate, I can see we’re going to have to have a chat about this. Proper ale should be served at around 20-25 degrees, ie ambient room temperature, chilling it makes it taste of bugger all. Decent disco juice (lager) like Staropramen and Czech Budweiser and the like should be drunk chilled but not ice cold.
American beer should not be touched under any circumstances unless it’s a microbrewery, it’s piss and if you want to drink that I can manufacture it at a fraction of the cost!
And if you even think of drinking that Yanqui Budweiser muck then I’m going to have to dump you!!
I’d never try that sort of pickup line on the ladies, they just don’t appreciate the post-modern irony of it the way I’d expect a bloke to!!!
Comment by Red Baron — July 25, 2005 @ 2:01 pm
or the ones that do (appreciate it) are your twins, and therefore, off limits!
i would recommend that you try it on other ladies anyway, in fact, EVERY lady you meet, since the one that does appreciate the “post-modern irony” of it would be “the one”! it could work as a great filter.
Comment by rocky — July 30, 2005 @ 11:59 am