lilac wine
i went to a friend’s performance the other day (he sings incredibly well - some of you might remember him as the english teacher/singer that i was ’seeing’ last year). he introduced me to jeff buckley last year with his rendition of ‘we all fall in love sometimes’ (great song). and this time, he sang ‘lilac wine’ which is haunting.
When I think more than I want to think
Do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because it brings me back you
haven’t we all been there?
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so once again, it’s thrusday night. i have a number of options, none very appealing. i have invites to the top parties in town and messages from the clubs keep flooding my mobile inbox, all claiming to be “the venue” with the best DJ, the best drinks and the usual marketing bs.
what does one do when they get tired of quiet nights in and repulsed by mad parties? there isn’t an in-between, at least not in my city.
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i find my job extremely frustrating.
i think it is because i have to deal with people. i suck at dealing with people, because most of them are stupid.
or perhaps i am too arrogant.
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this is a pretty pointless post, isn’t it? but then, aren’t they all? i am shamed by the story telling abilities of the crew on my sidebar. on top of that, i miss my old home (blog) - it allowed me to be far more whiny than i can here…i don’t know why.
you know how we all crave routine/order in chaos? the reverse holds true, doesn’t it? sometimes, one just wants something, anything to break the monotony of knowing exactly how tomorrow will begin and end. there are times when our cushy lifestyle is severly lacking in ‘life’…when eating, sleeping, fucking, working, writing, whining, all the bloody ‘ings’ aren’t enough.
i am convinced that there has to be more.
do you think it is normal to sometimes think of shooting your brains out, just to add some excitement to the dullness of life?
i know that has to be the most morbid thing i’ve ever said, but the thought often crosses my mind. i am too much of a narcissist/superficial (and ill equipped) bitch to ever seriously consider it since you know, i’d end up looking like one ugly corpse then. plus, i’m relatively content. and that’s all i ever wanted.
they were right though, sometimes it is a bitch to get what you wanted.
It’s not what you thought
when you first began it
You got what you want
now you can hardly stand it, though
well, now you know
It’s not going to stop
It’s not going to stop.
(aimee mann, wise up)
It is true that we always strive for something, I think it has been said many times before that the more intelligent you are the more difficult to be happy. Sometimes it is indeed good to shake things up just to see how they all land again. There is always the fear that if we are comfortable we are just settling for second best.
You are not the only one tho’ there are many of us. I have spent years craving stability and a place to put down roots and when I got the chance I worried that I was stagnating and needed some adventure to make me feel alive.
Sadly there is no easy answer. You have to follow your heart but apply a hefty dose of head as well. Maybe one day you’ll find nirvana but I suspect for most of us life is about trying to figure out how just to enjoy the thrill of the chase, this is contrary to how we are brought up now with the expectation that we can accede to anything and everything with minimal effort. Specialise and set your mind to the things really important to you, the rest will follow.
Don’t shoot your brains out hon that’s what vodka is for!
Comment by Red Baron — July 21, 2005 @ 4:10 pm
Who cares about lyrics when the music is putting you to sleep. That music sucks.
Comment by ali — July 22, 2005 @ 12:43 am
Drama is addictive, and it’s hard to get used to peace and quiet I think there is more in life, but it comes from developing whats within, not finding something outside of yourself that’s new. It’s not in the doing; it’s in the learning to be. Just be.
Comment by Kristie — July 22, 2005 @ 5:46 am
I think Kristie is quite right, life isn’t all about the achievement but often the secret is to figure out how to enjoy the thrill of the chase. I remember implicitly believing whilst in my more nomadic 20s that the secret would be finding somewhere to settle and put down roots and now that I have that I envy the change and lack of stagnation of the nomadic life.
I heard someone say that people will treat you often according to your opinion of yourself and I think this can well be the case in this and in the way we view the world around us.
Comment by Red Baron — July 22, 2005 @ 3:21 pm
I think, my dear, that you left out the most important part of the lyrics.
“It’s not going to stop/’Til you wise up”
It will stop. And you’ll be happier.
Comment by Sin — July 22, 2005 @ 9:16 pm
Come on Rocky, the guy sings like he is crying. And it is not from some deep sorrow, just a contrived whiny crying. I have yet to meet anyone who likes that music and is agreeable company. My ex’s younger sis listened to him everytime I was over. And the bitch played a major part in our parting. I hate buckley and fans.
As for your boredom, I have an idea. There is apparently a vast desert to your west. Go.
On a slightly related note. I saw a news clip about the Sheikhs using robotic jockeys now that using abducted children is illegal.
Comment by ali — July 22, 2005 @ 10:37 pm
ali, you’re just bitter!
Comment by rocky — July 23, 2005 @ 10:48 am
kristie, baron and sin, you are right (as always).
Comment by rocky — July 23, 2005 @ 1:52 pm
No, you are bitter.
Comment by ali — July 23, 2005 @ 2:09 pm
aaargh! i so badly want to respond with a childish “oooooooh”.
*must-not-behave-like-a-five-year-old*
honestly though, i’ve heard 4 buckley songs, so i am not an expert but i love them all (amazing grace, hallelujah, lilac wine, we all fall in love sometimes). however, it has to be said that i think the scottish ex-teacher AND tori amos sing them better.
and i don’t mind whiny, depressing music simply because (and this is going to sound extremely stupid) sometimes, the fact that i CAN’T relate to it (while knowing that once upon a time, i could) sort of helps me realize that i’m doing okay now (yes, there are times when one as ungrateful, selfish and self absorbed as i needs to be reminded)…i can just enjoy the words, the melody, the poetry without it actually making me want to kill myself.
and MAY BE, that girl was an exception…i am MORE than agreeable company, in fact i am fucking fantastic.
and finally, i am so sorry but i can not resist:
ooooooooooooooooooooh!
(although it no longer makes any sense).
p.s: blame the rambling on lack of sleep.
Comment by rocky — July 23, 2005 @ 2:28 pm
I did like hallelujah sometimes after some wine, amazing grace not so much. But that stupid girl turned me off buckley.
I am guessing you are not going to the desert.
Comment by ali — July 23, 2005 @ 2:41 pm
a-ha!!! see??? although i doubt that counts since afer alcohol, even the most intolerable music (like HOUSE) seems good.
and i live in a desert, and trust me, it’s no fun (especially in this weather). i guess i have to go somewhere else. i won’t ever get a visa for europe now (thanks to the recent attacks) so i’m once again going to consider thailand. you know, i really think thats it - i haven’t taken a vacation in ages…in fact, i haven’t taken a REAL one, that does not involve paki land and a thousand relatives, EVER.
Comment by rocky — July 23, 2005 @ 2:53 pm
No, you are bitter.
check email and then go to sleep.
Comment by ali — July 23, 2005 @ 3:08 pm
i guess there is nothing in between quite nite and boring parties… i guess it’s with all cities. But at Karachi, u r surrounded by those stupid relatives…Sorry to hear the botch up of travelling plan to Europe…these stupid bombers arent making lives easier for any one. Thailand sounds good…
i too suck at dealing with people…..i can stay buried behind my desk, under a pile of papers happily for weeks, but as soon as it comes to talking and dealing with people…..i end up pissing them off…i dunnow why
Comment by medussa — July 24, 2005 @ 12:43 pm
o, pleeeeeze! whining is an integral part of life! so pls do whine.. even in dis blog!
Comment by closetalk — July 25, 2005 @ 10:05 am
There’s no reason why you can’t get to Europe, you have family here don’t forget
. Seriously tho’ you should still try it, and if they refuse you I guarantee to write a very scathing blog about the British system, not that that would be a break from the norm but you get my point.
I would love to say I have the power and the influence to assure you safe and easy passage here but I’m hardly persona grata myself, I am apparently a terrorist apologist. Which I suppose on balance at least beats being a Nazi reconstructionalist!
If you aren’t visiting this summer there’ll be trouble, I mean it, I’ll tell Mum!
Comment by Red Baron — July 25, 2005 @ 10:44 am
hey what’s going on ? i’ve been swamped with work and getting geared up for the Fall semester…groan…but i’ve managed to slack off enough at work to get a basic blog started…do check it out and keep in touch!
sara
Comment by sara — July 26, 2005 @ 6:16 pm
Lilac Wine is brilliant. If you want a new twist on it pick up the Nina Simone remix. I think the art of sitting in on a weekend evening has to be reinvented. The Brits are past masters at this. The Aristos invariably entertain on odd days like wednesday or monday because weekends are spent in the country. In the absence of an estate, couldn’t we introduce the QNIWABOF (Quiet Night In With A Bunch of Friends?)
Comment by uberhomme — July 28, 2005 @ 8:15 am
no real comment to this particular post, i just wanted to say i enjoy your blog. i don’t say that very often. -stone
Comment by stone — July 30, 2005 @ 5:40 pm