i’m not feeling it
i love how a lot of my virtual friends know me so well. ali nailed it on my old blog with a comment about how my relationship prevents me from thinking out loud online, the way i used to. and that is practically all i spoke about: love, relationships, marriage along with some bitching about paki men (which i SO can’t do anymore!), religion and bushy boy.
i’ve lost my anger and steam.
i need more than words.
i am feeling increasingly sick of the lack of action - baron is out there, marching for what he believes in while i am still trying to figure out what i believe in.
i asked the boy today whether he knew what he wanted and he said yes.
i envied him so much because what i want changes everyday. i have a new plan almost every day and a new desire almost every day. i decide to get married one day, decide that i could NEVER do that the next day, make plans to move out and then realize i love mommy and daddy too much. i think about going off to afghanistan (i have become obsessed with the place) to fight for womens rights there, then figure i must take my trip to thailand first or buy my car.
and nothing changes.
i never act on any of it.
from the outside, i look like such a stable person, with jobs and men that i stick to for years. internally, i fight everything everyday; i hate stability as much as i love it. i fear change more than anything yet i crave it.
the boy often hates the way i am because of my new plans every day which i never follow through with. i told him that it sucks to be me because its even worse - i am the one doing all this thinking, while not following through with it.
indecisiveness is such a bitch.
i know i am childish in my desire to be ‘different’ - i am such a cliche - i don’t want to end up like everyone else but i will; i already have.
my friend just gave birth to a baby and sent me pictures. i was horrified looking at it because it represented so much responsibility and change of lifestyle. i’d die if that THING was mine and i had to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of it and change its diapers and allow it to suck my tits.
eww.
fucking hell, i really thought i’d be more grown up by 27. i have acquired most of the symbols - job, gym membership, travel plans, about to buy my first car, etc but i really don’t know if i want it. i know its all necessary though.
you know, this sort of a whiny, incoherent post belongs on the old blog, which by the way (if i don’t change my mind AGAIN), will be going live soon. i no longer give a shit if the whole world knows who i am - i can’t be one of the anonymous fuckers on the internet, writing strong opinions and words that they are too afraid to stand by.
so yeah, this is my update - same ol’ crap.
also, in other random news, i encourage everyone (except ali) to buy this poster.
and in even more random news, michael jackson hired out a water park in dubai (he invited lots of parents and children to join in the fun) and roamed around in a white lycra body suit.
scary shit.
i can totally relate to you about changing your plans day to day. i thought i had my whole life planned and then one day POOF everything crumbled around me. now i can’t come up with any ideas about what to do with my life that stick around for more than 24 hours. it’s a horrible feeling, not knowing what you want. hears to hoping you find what you are looking for, you certianly deserve it.
Comment by tim — September 25, 2005 @ 3:45 pm
symbols - job, gym membership, travel plans, about to buy my first car
I don’t know that these are symbols of grown-upness. I had a job at 16, a gym membership at 11, and my first car payment at 22. These are just things, and once you amass them, and the mortgage payment to boot, you wonder what to do next, because they don’t really do what you thought they were going to.
How’d I know when I’d grown up? When I stopped worrying about everything all the time; when I accepted who I was and stopped thinking I wasn’t good enough all the time; when being right became less important than being happy; when laughter became more important than cool; when I learned was important to me and what was not; when I figured out that being grown up was holding onto the best parts of childishness: wonder, whimsy, fearlessness, silliness, and getting rid of the worst parts: rigity, tantrums, the wrong kinds of magical thinking.
The older I get, the more relaxed I get, the younger at heart I am. A grown-up isn’t something you do. It’s a Zen thing. When you really learn to just be, I think you’re there. I’ll let you know when I get to that part.
Comment by Kristie — September 25, 2005 @ 5:26 pm
i’m not feeling it
This is the kind of stuff that keeps us going:…
Trackback by News from Around the World — September 26, 2005 @ 7:39 am
Do not panic. If you’re deluding yourself into believing that advancing age means decisiveness….Don’t! The older you get the more aware you are of the even greater number of choices you have. So indecisiveness is not the prerogative of they …err…young. Having said that I think it is wonderful to be able to think on a really epic sized canvas. It makes for a much more meaningful/exciting life. I’ve always been wary about people who knew they wanted to be lawyers or doctors or architects at the age of six and followed it through.
Comment by uberhomme — September 26, 2005 @ 1:06 pm
You know, it’s actually all right to have a variety of interests and not necessarily want to commit to one thing. That’s sort of the beauty of life: you can make of it what you will. I’ve done so many different things in the last three years alone, and now I’m trying out something completely different. Sometimes, it’s important to realise that allowing yourself to have the luxury of making choices is more essential than having made a choice per se.
Comment by Sin — September 26, 2005 @ 2:16 pm
Chasing rainbows, I know it well. Why do your dreams change tho’ is it that you genuinely want something else or is it that some misplaced pragmatism makes you think that you can’t get it so move on?
At 26 I thought I was too young to be a father and responsible for another being, at 27 I was actually happy when I found out I was going to be a father. I didn’t realised it happened, it just did, things shift in your head and they always will.
There will always be things you believe in and others more transient, go with what you feel because if it isn’t right then at least it will always be a justifiable decision.
Realising that you are in flux is a start because you’ll look for things that inspire you. It may take a while to find them but that’s living.
Comment by Red Baron — September 26, 2005 @ 10:57 pm
some of this might apply to you.
Rather than worry about what you want, or the lack of it, why not try to make the most of what you have right now. Its healthy to desire better things in life but its equally unhealthy to get too worked up about them methinks.
Comment by Dan — September 27, 2005 @ 12:15 pm
i believe in planning but only to a certain degree, as life does require a certain degree of planning and most importantly following it through, but as tim said: “what to do when at a moment’s notice it would all fall out, crash down and burn away?” It’s hard to then come up with a new plan then bcz one loses the focus and motivation. one should be like the water; flexible, finding, moulding its own way. i now dont plan beyond 1 week, and have started writing my to dos’ on a white board, so that it is visible, and also i can shift, erase, elaborate my to dos’ according to the situation. Being in company of people who were actually doing a lot or had things going for them was only motivational for a certain extent, then it pludged me ito a depression. Then i tried to be in the company of people who did not have as many resources or energy as myself. Voluntarily helping them made me realize my own blessings. That not only compeled me to work with a tad bit more grit and also to be thankful for whatever i already have and hold.
Comment by tanzila — October 1, 2005 @ 9:28 am
aha! so, de rock star comes out of her closet soon, does she?
;-)
i know what u mean abt wanting to change, but changing ure mind a second later! hmmm… think its a blog affliction or something? click it and its urs…..!
almost as scary as MJ.
Comment by rahul — October 3, 2005 @ 6:06 pm
the goalposts keep shifting, so the car will become abigger one, the gym will become…( a golf club membership?)…
actually I realise I haven’t much advice to give…I am not ‘decided’ merely because I am comfortable in life right now…..
oh well:)
Comment by vAgue — October 4, 2005 @ 4:50 am
Great writing congratulations. I was actually just searching the web for the meaning of “famished”, as a non english speaker . And one of the search results was your website. Well, it didn’t really help me in my research for the meaning of the word. Nevertheless I’m happy that I landed on your site.
But I keep saying “Keep on dreaming it’s a good thing to do”! So should you!
I’m at a stage in my life, where I don’t really know where to go. I do have many planes to but just keep thinking I could to this and that and never came around doing them.
I’ll be back on your site, in the meantime I continue my own site.
Comment by Andie — October 4, 2005 @ 5:45 pm
sigh … big dreams and no follow through …i can so relate … but i guess its as the red baron said “things shift in your head” and i guess life is trying to deal with that and just going with it ….
(i hope
)
Comment by samm — February 10, 2006 @ 9:39 am